This is my first Father’s day since losing my fabulous dad & my father-in-law within 8 weeks of each other.
Initially I felt the weight of grief, the reminder that I don’t have him here to celebrate and the gapping hole in my heart now left by his dying. I have been in a grief hole, constantly aware that I can’t have our regular Thursday morning chat as he sits in the car while mum runs around the local oval, that I no longer wake up to encouraging texts in the morning and that his voice is something I can only now here on a recording.
I miss the way he believed in me, challenged me and celebrated my creativity. I miss the fact that I can’t laugh with him about funny things my kids have said or done, get advice from him as I navigate life and learn from him as he shares what he has been learning and is excited about.
I miss his hugs, I miss his voice, I miss his cheering, I miss his face, I miss our shared love of all things sweet. I miss his love and loving him in the flesh.
So as much as Father’s Day is looming and feels like squeezing lemon into a still fresh wound, I want to choose to still celebrate the incredible man my dad was, even if he isn’t here to hear it or have a giant piece of cream covered lemon yoghurt syrup cake with me. It doesn't change the very deep, bold and beautiful finger prints of him all over my life. I am forever imprinted by who he was and get the privilege of carrying & sharing his legacy of loving people as I do this little life of mine.
I am also so aware that for many just the mere mention of “Fathers” can trigger trauma and pain. Please be kind to yourself, opt out of spaces where the dial is going to amp up on past/present hurt. Know that you are seen and held in our hearts as you navigate this day once again.
So friends, thank you for being a part of my processing and indulging my thoughts, feelings and remembering.
With much love and oodles of joy,
Kim (& Andi) xx
facing fathers day fatherless
